The Big C

No, I'm not talking about my silly disease. I'm talking about the Showtime series starring one of my favorite actors of all time, Laura Linney.

As a self-confessed LL junkie, I've seen (and loved) almost everything she's starred in. The Squid and the Whale? One of my favorite movies. John Adams? Never missed an episode. Primal Fear, Kinsey, P.S., The Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Mothman Prophecies, Love Actually, Mystic River? But of course. Most people haven't even heard of the movie Jindabyne, and I own it.

So when I heard about this new TV series starring Laura Linney, I couldn't wait to see it precisely because of her. I wasn't even that interested in the subject matter which deals with, coincidentally, a woman (played by Linney and named Cathy Jamison) diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. 

A couple days before I checked into the hospital, when I was really struggling with the pain in my gut and my failure to keep food in it, I started watching the show. As I rested in bed, nursing my bloated tummy, I watched the first two episodes and I started thinking, "What if I was in Cathy's shoes? What if I had Stage IV cancer?" 

I'm not saying I had a premonition or anything -- finding out about my diagnosis was definitely not what I expected to hear -- but, as I always do with great characters in film or TV, I really try to understand and connect with the character.

But I couldn't connect with Cathy. She wasn't fighting! She was giving up on her chances for survival, refusing to share her news with her family, and switching to a diet solely consisting of dessert and cocktails. I liked her character, but she drove me crazy. I tried to convince myself that getting news like hers is complicated and trying, and who knows what they'd do when they found out, but I checked myself and knew in my heart that I'd never do what she was doing. I'd tell everyone about my diagnosis, accept their love and support, fight for every second of my life, and, above all, I'd never give up on myself. I wouldn't be like Cathy, I thought to myself as I watched the show. And then I probably got up and ran to the bathroom to vomit.

I abruptly stopped watching the show when I couldn't keep down a swig of water, which was my telltale sign that it was time to go to the hospital. I didn't get back to it until I was a couple of weeks out of the hospital. The finale was two weeks ago, and I watched it with happy tears in my eyes.

I love The Big C. Cathy eventually saw the light and started fighting for her life, so now I love her, too. But what was incredible about the show, and the timing of it all, was that it nudged me toward thinking about my attitude if I faced cancer…before I even knew I was facing it. I got a little preview, a hypothetical that really wasn't, that forced me to consider how I'd deal with that news and what my attitude would be going forward. I searched my soul and decided on my attitude before I needed to…so when I actually needed to, it was easy. 

Before I learned of my diagnosis, I knew that if I ever got that news, I'd fight. And today and every day, I'm fighting.

What are the chances that my favorite actress would be starring in a TV show about a woman diagnosed with Stage IV cancer at the exact time that I battled Stage IV cancer, and that watching a couple of episodes of it pre-diagnosis would prepare me to fight cancer with a great attitude right out of the gate?

I don't know. Some things were meant to be.