The Waiting Game

As I mentioned a while back, I planned to do follow-up scans this week to figure out if my elevated CEA was due to a recurrence of "the cancer." Despite my ridiculously busy (in a good way) schedule, I managed to make some quality time with the PET/CT machine and had my scans on Friday morning.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I wait.

Waiting for scan results is possibly the most difficult part of being a cancer warrior. Yes, chemo is tough, and getting sliced open in the OR is no walk in the park, but at least the truth is out there and we warriors are looking our nemesis straight in the eye. There is a definitive nature about battling cancer. There is nothing but speculation while you wait for scan results.

When you don't know whether "the cancer" has taken up residence in your bag o' bones, the challenge is unique. It's not a physical challenge (that would be no problem for me, to be quite honest) but a mental one. You try not to speculate about how your body feels ("Is this really what having a little cancer in my gut feels like?") yet you can't help but become uber-sensitive about everything you're body is doing ("Was that gas I just passed a bad sign or a good sign?"). You try not to think about your upcoming appointment where you'll learn your scan results but those thoughts pop in your head anyway. It's a challenge to live in the moment when you're worried about the future.

I've countered the "scanxiety" with a few affirmations, thoughts I repeat to myself every time my mind starts to mull over my scan results and their implications. I reassure myself that no matter what the radiologist's report says, I feel great. I tell myself that even if I have to restart chemo, I am awesome at it and will handle it even better this time around. And, above all, I remind myself that cancer will not stop me from doing the things I want to do in life. These thoughts calm me down and rejuvenate me, making me all the more formidable of a cancer-killing machine. This disease sticks around sometimes, but the trick is vowing to stick around even longer. 

I may get results on Monday, but it's looking like I'll probably get them on Thursday. Either way, it's all good. Either way, I'm not scared. And either way, I will stick around far, far longer than cancer ever could.