With a Heavy Heart

With a very heavy heart, I’m coming to grips with the fact that my best friend in this cancer world has passed away. She was too young, too tough, and too spirited. She fought with every ounce in her body, for herself and for her family. She wanted to live. And she’s not alive anymore.

It sickens me. It’s devastating to me. And I’m sad beyond measure. I knew that her health was declining, but I refused to give up. The last time we talked, I told her to not give up for a second. I told her to keep fighting. I told her she would make a comeback and that I believed in her.

But there was no comeback. And I’ve now entered a world in which I’ll never talk to my buddy again. Just thinking that thought makes tears well up in my eyes. I know it must be a million times worse for her family, and that pains me too.  She was such a force, a bright and optimistic and truly good person. And I miss her already. I miss her so much.

I know what she’d tell me if she could. She’d tell me two things. 1) To live my life to the fullest and 2) to beat the hell out of cancer.

I’m in Dublin right now, and I’ll be spending New Year’s Eve in London, my favorite city in the world. I’ve had an incredible couple of days here in Europe and I’ve got over a week of vacation ahead of me. I am living my life to the fullest and I’ll continue to do so with her memory in my heart at all times. Living my life to the fullest is well under control.

And now, more than ever, more than I could ever imagine, I am determined to beat this ugly, vicious disease with every drop of blood in my body. Obviously, I will continue to take good care of myself in my own battle with cancer, but my goals go far beyond my own survival. It’s important, but it’s only part of the ultimate goal.

In honor of my dear, sweet friend, I am more determined than ever to be a part of the force that really beats this disease. That beats it for all of us. That ENDS IT. My big project with Dr. Lenz kicks off next year, and not a moment too soon. With my friend’s memory in my heart and at the forefront of my mind, I will use every skill and talent that I have to make this project successful, which will spell the beginning of the end for cancer. I will not quit. I will not doubt myself. I will not stop working. I will not stop at all. Not until I’ve beaten the hell out of cancer in every sense of the word.

I will take the pain I feel and turn it into something good, something productive, something that will change the world and make it a better place for everyone and especially for cancer warriors. I miss my friend already, but I will think of her every single day. She’s not going anywhere in my heart and mind. And she will be a part of our project. She will be our guardian angel. With her help, we will succeed. Together, we will beat the hell out of cancer.

Rest in Peace to my rock star. I love you, warrior. I love you, friend.